Do Not Fight the Fear when it comes. Make Friends with its presence. Learn from it. There is Power to be gained.
My heart always starts to beat a little bit faster before that first hit. The fear running through my bones… What if my Room breaks into Lego-like pieces before me and can never be put back together? What if the necklace of memories i wear around my soul is snapped so each precious jewel falls to the ocean below, never able to be retrieved? There is this sense of self breaking under Salvia’s spell.
Is she a witch-doctor or a healer? This i can not tell. I think having a friend present is important because when you meet with Ska Pastora… it is just you, her, and your memories of who you were before that last drag. It feels as if you may not go back to playing your character in Earth’s major drama. As if she may keep you in broken pieces, never to return to your human body again…
I don’t quite understand where the sweating Fear comes from since i am always safely returned to my physical Self, but the chattering of those beings seems eerie to me at times. I don’t know if i have entered a good or an evil spirit… so leaving them with full control of my soul with the ability to drive my consciousness to any lost memory or forgotten feeling is to bow before her like a child to his mother.
Maybe that’s the point. Losing the idea of Self Control. Trusting your soul in Mother’s hand until she places you back in your body again after she shows you what you desperately needed to be shown. Letting live and letting go. “How is any of this possible?” i ask… “Stay calm my child. It is better to experience than to question”… she tells me.
Explore the void. Fear will pass. You can become the Sun, the Darkness, and the future of the past.
There was a faint clicking sound in the background of my thoughts as i stared into the mirror brushing my teeth… i’ve been trying to figure out for years why the high i used to get from marijuana changed from fun/carefree to paranoid/anxiety driven experiences. I could never pinpoint an exact event where my mind’s biological makeup altered to push me away from this plant. Then it hit me.
Nearing the end of high school, i drove a group of friends to West Virginia where i bought my first blue glass bong (Blastoise) at our first visit to a smoke shop and stumbled upon a tiny circular plastic container with a 10x or 15x version called Salvia, this was our first introduction to each other. With no knowledge of what it was or how to do it, we watched each other giggle, laugh uncontrollably, mumble nonsense, grab at the air, and look off into the distance “through” reality with a face that resembled pure fear as we went too far down the cartoon tunnel towards our cartoon bodies away from our physical world here on Earth.
Was this the point when my entire relationship with marijuana had been unknowingly twisted upside down upon itself? Had there been some type of information downloaded into my subconscious that i was unaware of while these chaotic “mush-too-powerful-doses” visions from the extract produced only faint glitchy memories of being tossed into that infinite unknown void?
I’m fairly certain that this may have been where my being experienced a crossover from one brain hemisphere to the opposite matrix of numerical interpretation. The two substances are like divorced parents that you must choose between. Never able to see both of them in one space, but only able to run to one or the other, only able to love one while distancing yourself from the memories of the former. I lay here in wonder as i wait for the sun to rise.
The Salvia Beings await my return as i transform into one of the Face’s in the wall of their circular space tunnels.
Lady Divinorum
I started with the lighting of a candle and a short prayer to the Shepherdess, asking her to kindly guide my positive intentions with the sanctity of her heart as i put my consciousness in her hands. The meditation would last an hour, as i packed my first bowl of plain leaf, witnessing the last drops of sunlight dissipate into the darkness out of the corner of my window where my brightly colored mushroom tapestry was nudged over just enough to see the tips of the trees outside.
I took my first inhalation. Deep. Just enough to re-familiarize myself with the Salvinorin Landscape as the glowing static came on brighter somewhere in the distance of my imagination, flip-flopping my body to a secondary state of awareness as the inside of my mind bloomed into full focus on center stage as if i put it underneath a microscope of 1000x enhancement.
Bridges were being built. Those cartoon-like circular people warmly welcomed me, expected me, were excited to see me and dance with my consciousness yet again after being apart from each other for so long. I missed their presence filling my viewfinder. They touched upon many of the topics we’d previously went over at length in past journeys to their world, but like a favorite song or movie that never gets old, i enjoyed hearing their stories and Truths all over again.
They seemed to tell me many stories of the same themes i’d remembered from last time, but in vastly different ways and manners than before. Things like how they know all about the journey of the human body from birth to death because they had all been here. They came from this place and completed this stage of their own journey already. They were held to an ancient sworn oath that they could not reveal the true answers to life’s mysteries here on Earth for that is the nature of being human. To never have a final destination, but to keep moving on our way in search of something forgotten. A living memory. Always in pursuit, in constant wonder, never to find solid answers in these broken vessels.
I sat there astonished at these upheavals of thought from the depths of my being. Was i producing these statements or was Lady Divinorum carefully guiding me? I could sense she had taken a liking to me. She was peaceful and agreed to help.
The effects were wearing off. I filled another bowl and kept the lighter burning the whole time until all the plant material incinerated to a white glow of hot ash in the pit of my pipe. This time was stronger, eyes closed, waves of tiles washed underneath me in that dark void i was brought to where the inner workings of my mind was laid out before me.
This feeling i had was extremely peculiar. I felt a powerful surge of energy. Was it coming from within or entering me from some place outside of my body? I did not know. What i did know was how to control and use it. This was some type of ancient ability the human mind was produced to use but had been lost like the City of Atlantis to the infinite gears of time, once understood by our ancestors now a memory forgotten.
This technique and focus was and is absolutely crucial to our evolution on this planet, in this stage of our collective soul. I did not wonder this, i knew all of it to be fact. My awareness became super enhanced, it went to the middle-back of my brain in some Room that felt empty inside my skull and yet completely full, being massaged as it solidified my thoughts and energy into this force/pressure being collected to a single needle point inside my mind like a miniature sun.
A light switch was turned on in there. I could feel its positive vibrations altering my subconscious world. “Mushrooms connect you to the viewpoint of an ancient Alien race, Marijuana disconnects you from your True Self in a very negative manner (for me anyways), but this… this place is home.”
This bag of plain leaf had been sitting in my closet drawer for a while since i last used it, waiting for me to re-examine its potential. The smoke from the pipe was harsh. I can not recall when i lay my head back on to the soft comforter of my bed, but i had been lying there for quite some time! I had let myself fall asleep in that waking dream of hypnagogic twisting images. They kept repeating so matter of factly that there are surely two of me out there, the one i currently am and the cartoon version of me (the inverted carbon copy), so i must pay attention and learn from my opposite how to not be so serious as i can be far too uptight about myself. There was a life for me waiting in Cartoon Land filled with triangles, masks, and laughter, but i must complete this stage of the program before moving on to the next level of existence.
i was so fearful of those cartoons shattering the reality i’ve accepted as my tiny human life working in the gas industry out on the oil rig doing my human thing, but instead they looked at me and laughed, “Go ahead… believe it, there’s nothing wrong with being human. It’s fine, we will not judge or blame you.. but we will laugh as we please for we find humor in everything 3-dimensional. Have you forgotten that this is the land of the Circus? The local carnival is always working it’s magic at this hour on this side of the zipper, and you’ve clearly forgot that this was just an amusement park ride. Laugh at yourself, for the Cartoon you continues… “
i recall that telephone tower signal extending from the top side of my cranium. The tingling plastic-y sensations overtook me and slightly cut every shape into tiny triangles, blocks, the basics of visual perception (cones and rods). I could not focus on anything else but the little people/beings entering the hole i had opened up at the top of my head. They were flooding in there at hyper speed, running around, activating my Dream senses.
My physical body stayed attached to the bed underneath, fixated on the ceiling as i lay back further into the warm sheets, feeling my astral body peel away from the physical plane of motion. This was meant to be. Activation of my second body. I can float away into other Dimensions at will once i am accepted by Lady Salvia, Ska Pastora, “Eyes of the Shepherdess” i know this to be true. My closest plant ally will help me traverse her body as she fully integrates into my DNA, as the molecules within my brain make friends with her Salvinorin A compounds, we will re-evaluate the human condition and bring to surface our most forgotten memories that lay beneath deadened leaves.
Too much had just taken place in that small cut out chunk of five minutes. The smoke filled the room and that familiar sensation took over again. The floodgates opened up and suddenly i’m hyper-aware, tearing apart into every molecule and cell that make up my reality. I am not sure if it’s just my body that splits apart or if i just become aware of the truth that the physical room i’m “inside” of is also something i’m constantly feeling with my senses, not just my fleshy human body that appears separate in our usual limited awareness. Everything visually in front of me is part of me like a giant wall that i’m pressed up against in some trick being played on my consciousness. Suddenly, the feeling that all the air has been sucked out of this vacuum packed two dimensional image i’m running through inside a giant cog of wristwatch mechanics is all too overwhelming.
Awareness of every molecular bubble and cell at super enhanced intervals of slug slowed memory takes me forward. I physically feel all of them at once. My normal dull single pointed humanistic daily waking sense of awareness where i find myself experiencing/viewing the world from somewhere in my head behind my eyes and between my ears goes all topsy-turvy. This Salvia induced state must be useful, giving me a view of myself from a completely new perspective that i never thought possible. I continue to navigate the walls and waves of conveyor belt beings, yet i find no true spirit or voice leading me to anywhere specific. Just images of my consciousness sphere floating through a dark void.
I keep trying to follow my flow of thoughts from somewhere far away, to remember how to produce thoughts as i do not think thoughts exist in this “Second Reality” we inhabit with this secret doorway to the other side, only images and feelings. I’m desperately trying to follow the rope from the top of my head i let down into this deep hole in my existence to find my way back as it was extremely important for me to hold on to my imaginative inanimate thoughts as that oceanic wave of pop outs revealed themselves to me, yet i could not think so i could not ask them questions of what it was they were doing over there all the time when i wasn’t aware of them or where i had come from or how the hell it came to be that i got myself into this mess.
The wind rush of body feelings took over at that point as they stared at me from their distant darkness. Like entering a wind tunnel, a portal through space & time re-opens at the exhale of this nonexistent magical air. A gateway to another way of Life. How can i bring ideas back from that mysterious place? How can i learn from their cartoonish intelligence?
In a matter of minutes my normal 9 to 5 mundane human mind was transformed and warped into magnificent wonder by the pure possibilities of this plant. Why is this able to happen? What is the proper use of Salvia Divinorum and how do we use it to fulfill our Earthbound destinies on this spec of floating rock within this vast galaxy. Oh great Shepherdess, you inspire me to continue my journey into the unknown.
The adventures of one man within the void of the universe exploring spirituality, entheogens, dark desires, and the secrets behind the veil of being human.
Cristoff McGroff 